Here we are at the second month of the year already. It’s taken me this long to wrap my head around 2022 and begin to sort out all that happened. Oh yeah. It was a doozy.
It was an intense year. One of profound loss and in some ways profound gain. A year where I found joy and excitement outside of my comfort zone, yet found myself flailing at the depths of an abyss. A year that I will never forget.
I stepped into 2022 with optimism, spunk and gratitude, and I needed every last bit of these. I was challenged. I felt myself splintering, cracking, and there were days I felt broken. There were days I held onto that optimism, spunk and gratitude with everything I had. I was also shown compassion and love that will remain with me forever.
2022 started with a bang. Trips, new ventures, exciting collaborations, a reinvigorated zeal for Ayurveda and all that I was teaching, and yes, lots of soccer…
Then life changed forever.
With only a couple weeks left in the boys’ school year, my beautiful mom unexpectedly passed away. It felt like the earth beneath me had just collapsed. There I was with all of these new and exciting things going on, but all I could feel was my very foundation crumbling away. Smiles between sobs. Alternating between happiness and sadness. And so much guilt. Guilt for feeling any ounce of happiness when my mom had just died and guilt for feeling sad when I was so lucky in so many ways, and maybe making others uncomfortable with my sadness
But with everything that happens in life, there are things we can learn. Things we can grow from. Things we can change. And things we can let go of. This is what I’ve been pondering over this last month…
This is what 2022 taught me:
1. Life is unexpected.
While most of us gravitate toward comfort because, well, it’s comfortable, we need to challenge ourselves to be comfortable being uncomfortable. We won’t grow sitting in our comfort zone, and if we fear the unknown and unexpected, when it enters our lives, we will struggle more. We will find life harder to navigate. The courage is to continually step outside of our comfort zone so facing the unexpected becomes less difficult.
2. We are allowed to, and need to, feel our pain.
Nobody likes to feel the intense emotional pain of loss, grief, anger, and sadness. But it needs to be felt. When we are faced with pain, there’s a process, and no, we don’t want to sit floundering in our pain, but we are meant to feel it. Distraction as a way of helping intermittently is okay; distraction and dismissing pain ongoing is dangerous and will cause us issues both emotionally and physically down the track. (In fact, I think I’m already affected by this very thing, as I am here, currently struggling with an unapologetic, unending pain in my right leg.) Sitting with and unpacking our pain, as difficult as that is, is the way we heal and grow from what we have been through.
3. Connection is essential.
We all need connection, but let’s not confuse what connection is. First and foremost, we need a strong connection to ourselves—an awareness and love for ourselves and who we are, which gives us both the courage and vulnerability to find contentment within. For me, I find this through my yoga practice. There is also connection with family, friends, and like-minded souls. Maybe you see some often. Maybe you chat on the phone or FaceTime. Or perhaps it’s just a comment or tag on social media. It’s all connection.
Of course, there’s connection to romantic partners, also, but contrary to popular belief, this is not the only connection. Humans need connection, but that connection comes in many forms.
And make no mistake—the most important connection we need is the one to ourselves.
4. There is no timeline for grief.
I think there is a really screwed up the notion of what grief is and how long we should feel it. There’s no time frame and no two people will face grief in the same way. There’s no getting over it; we move through it and it changes us as we adapt to a different life. We don’t say goodbye at someone's funeral and miraculously recover and forget our loss. We don’t end a relationship, forget the person, and become immediately ready to start a new relationship. We don’t change our lives, or expect to, even for the better, without grieving our old life. It’s healthy to grieve. It’s healthy to feel. It’s healthy to spend time alone. It’s healthy for it to take as long as it takes. And it’s healthy to unpack and process in our own individual ways. I suspect I will be doing this for a while.
5. People can only ever meet you at their level of understanding and awareness.
How many times are we hurt or upset by another’s words or actions? It's natural to expect that everyone perceives things the same way we do. We think that people will show compassion and kindness in the same way as us, and when they don’t, we feel hurt. Some people lack self-awareness, and, because of their own shit, they have closed their minds off and project.
Instead of accepting that someone is different, they judge them. Instead of being authentic, they wear a mask. Instead of working on themselves, they search for external happiness. Some people will always lack the ability to understand another view because the truth is they don’t understand or truly accept themselves.
6. Self-belief is critical.
There have been times over the past few years, in particular, where I lost all my self-belief. I didn’t trust I could make the best decisions for myself or that I could be anything different or more than I was. I sat in my little comfort zone, holding on for dear life because I was terrified. Then something happened, without realizing it, I took a step outside that comfort zone. I started to make big decisions by myself, for myself, and set myself little challenges of self-trust. Each time I followed through on something I promised myself, my self-belief grew.
7. Remove yourself from any space not conducive to your happiness.
It’s true that happiness comes from within; however, we need to be in an environment conducive to happiness, and when that’s no longer the case, we need to be brave enough to leave. Yes, there are people who will judge you and suggest you are selfish, putting your happiness above others. My response is, if I’m unhappy, it will affect all those in my life. We can be inauthentic and live a lie, but what’s that doing to us long-term and to those close to us? There’s enough in-authenticity and toxic positivity in this world and we should be teaching our children vulnerability, courage, and how to be true to how they feel. Staying in places where we feel stuck and unhappy is unhealthy for ourselves and everyone in our life.
8. Show up for yourself.
Show up as your most authentic self for yourself. Why are we so scared to see our truth, speak our truth, and live our truth? If we can’t be honest with ourselves, we can’t be honest with anyone else. We all have versions of ourselves, but showing up for ourselves authentically is key if we’re ever going to live the truth of our soul. When we are able to show up for ourselves, we can show up for those who matter to us.
9. Society’s conditioning and judgement does not have to be yours.
We are surrounded by archaic conditioning that is ruining our relationships, children, ourselves, and to some degree, society as a whole. Steeped in generational trauma due to unhealthy and limiting beliefs. But people are opening their eyes, learning and growing, and starting to understand themselves and what they need to heal and change. We don’t need to follow the narrative we are told about how relationships should be. How children should be raised. How we should live our lives and what determines happiness and success. We need to question and learn. The “when I grew up,” the “it didn’t hurt me,” the “when will you settle down?” the “this is how it’s always been done,” and all the other things that are said need to be questioned. Is this actually right for you and your life? Your family? Change can only happen when we stop blindly following the past because what “was always done” is not necessarily right, nor is it healthy.
So 2022 was a year that will stand out with some of the highest highs and the lowest lows. A year that was bittersweet in so many ways. And a year I am happy to say goodbye to and also to hold tenderly for a little while longer. A year that forced me to show up for myself at every turn.
So what can we expect from the rest of 2023? (when, to be honest, it hasn’t been a great start so far…)
I have absolutely no idea of the external events that will take place, but I do know that I’ll face them with optimism, spunk, gratitude, courage, humility, and a heavy dose of self-belief. I will trust I am exactly where I need to be.
I know my journey of grief will continue, and I will take time to remember my mom and mourn the loss of my biggest supporter and fan. I will choose every day to speak my truth, feel what needs to be felt, and follow my soul. After all, a life without authenticity, truth, passion, and soul really isn’t a life at all.